My Six Month Journey
So, I felt a little guilty titling this "My Journey" as it was a journey for many more than just me, but as I'm the one writing it, I'll just fight through the guilt! Remember as you read though that this is my journey and from only my perspective. Others will see things diffently and were effected differently. I know many of you went through this with me, so some will be repetitive. However, I'm doing this as therapy for myself and as my counselor says, "when it's inside you, it owns you but once you get it out on the table you control it's effects better". This is my attempt to do that. Most of my posts will be much shorter than this one, but this is the heart of the trial I am facing and thus I have to tackle it first. My current condition is one of depression and sadness. Until I have faced this, I never understood it. Still don't entirely but I hope it will help those who read it and myself as well to better understand depression, it's effects, and the crippling way it can control your life. Currently I feel like I'm fighting a large Grizzly with only a shephard's sstaff in my hands. The good news is that I know Who gave me that staff and He will show me how to use it to defeat that big, bad bear, just as He did for David.
September 2011
Joy and I began getting texts from our sweet Josie telling us of the horrible environment that she was living in under her mother. As that is her personal business, I'll keep the details brief as not to compromise her trust and to preserve as much as possible her privacy. Josie is the youngest (16 at the time) of her mothers nine children. karen(the mother, although I use that title very loosely) has severely abused, both mentally and physically all of her children. Josie's has been much more in the mental realm than physical, although both are horrible and unacceptable.
She conveyed to us at that time that she could no longer live under that opression and asked for our assistance. We immediately sprang into action and research lawyers in Louisiana as we believed God instructed us to do this the legal way so that sweet Josie could be truly free and not living in hiding with the constant fear of what would happen if she was discovered. We wanted a life of freedom for her that she had up until this time been kept from.
October 2011
We (through the help of my mother, and I don't use that term loosely) obtained an attorney that we believed was strong and was willing to fight for Josie.
November 2011
We formulated a plan with Candice (the attorney) to file a lawsuit against Karen and petition the courts for legal custody of sweet Josie based on the abuse she, and many before her, were forced to live under. We also asked for an ex-parte (temporary custody) ruling which would allow Josie to be under our protection until a hearing date could be set.
December 2011
Joy, Bethany (Josie's sister) and I drove to Louisiana expecting to be granted that temp custody. After two days of waiting we received the call we had prayed would come. The judge signed the order! We were free to go pick up the order and go get Josie! We were elated! Until we got to the courthouse and discovered that the judge had set a hearing date only and had crossed out the temp custody.... Oh how great was our pain in that moment. The text to Josie telling her that she would have to stay in the abuse she was dealing for another month was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do up until that point in my life. How badly we wanted her safe... Upon hearing this news, Josie made the wise decision that as her life would be in danger once Karen was served with the papers, she chose to flee the home to protect herself. After a long conversation with the attorney, it was advised to us that we were within our legal rights to pick up Josie and bring her into our home for protection. We followed that advice (we would have done it either way as there was zero chance we would allow our precious girl to live in danger on the streets of New Orleans). A few days later we received a call from a detective in that Parish. We explained the situation and he approved of us housing her until the hearing (he actually said "it took me a half a bottle of aspirin to get that woman's voice out of my head... Been there dude). He told us he knew she was in an unsafe environment and that she was better in our loving home. That was a load off...
We were then blessed to get to celebrate Josie's 17th birthday and Christmas with her (play your damn guitar Josie! :)). Our hearing was set for January 5th. We rallied the troups, got plane tickets for out of town siblings to fly in, and rented a car, ready to drive to Lousiana and do battle for Josie. We committed that we would not leave Louisiana without our sweet girl! On January 4th, I got an email from Candice that said the hearing was pushed back and month... Grrr.... But as I read on, it was delayed because Karen's own attorney believed Josie was in the better place after speaking with the detective! He wanted a month to convince that crazy woman to settle! We rejoiced! We had been given another precious daughter in our family! Hearing rescheduled for February 16th, but odds were we would never see the inside of a courtroom! We were so happy, I couldn't stop smiling.
As we had non refundable plane tickets, we decided to go to Louisiana anyways, but this would be to celebrate instead of a fight. We had a wonderful trip. All the younger siblings in one place! There was much eating, guitar playing and jokes! It truly was a few of the best days I've ever had!
We headed home rejoicing. The next few weeks came and went. We enrolled Josie in school and positioned our family of four to move ahead in a beautiful direction. Hadn't heard from the Candice, but we blissfully said that no news was good news! God had blessed us with a second daughter and we couldn't have been happier! We snuggled and watched movie and enjoyed being with each other.
Then came February 6th
A day I will remember and fight until the day I die. I went to work as I do every Monday. By this point I was beginning to get concerned as we still hadn't finalized the settlement and the hearing was approaching. But we moved ahead believing that the attorneys were working on it and would get with us any day. I came home from work. Sat with Josie and joked around a bit. Joy called up to say dinner was ready. We came downstairs to delicious chicken chowder and settled in to watch episode one of The Voice (at the time one of Josie's favorite shows as she sings like an actual angel (I'm working off the assumption that angels sing really good). Cee Lo and Christina were sassing each other, all was right with the world. Then came a knock at the door. We had many solicitors lately so I went to the door huffing about these foolz coming around at dinner time... When I opened the door, I was completely surprised by what I saw. Two Montgomery County Deputies... "Mr. McCarroll?" and boom... It's a little bit of a blur after that... Karen had come down and spent the day convincing the sheriff that we had kidnapped her daughter and sent them to get her back. She had gotten our address from one of the cowardly siblings who decided early on that he would not fight for his sister who was living the same hellish existence he had lived not too many years before (if you sense venom in those words, you are perceptive. I'm still working on forgiving, any tips would be appreciated). I stalled as long as possible. Begged them to see reason, begged them to call the detective in Louisiana, pleaded with them to not put this beautiful girl back into an abusive home, but they weren't having it. In front of Penny and Joy and Bethany and I, they pulled her by the arm and put her in the back of their suv. (maybe one day I'll be able to forgive and no longer see the police as my enemy, but as of now that is where I live). I followed them to the station, they threatened me that if I got out of my car I'd be arrested. They then forced Josie to get into Karen's truck. I stayed in my car but me and Karen shared a few words and I showed her that I thought she was number one a few times... Not real proud of that, ah who am I kidding, yes I am.
This night did something to my soul. As a father, I take seriously my role to protect my wife and children. I would gladly step in front of a bullet for them. But this was a situation that my ability to protect my daughter was removed from me. I cannot help but feel a small taste of what my Father God must have felt as those nails were driven in. Sure it's different, He could have stopped it, but because He loves us so dearly, He did not. Josie wasn't dying for the sins of the world, but my inability to stop her from being hurts still haunts my dreams most nights.
So to speed this up a bit. Josie was stuck in that horrible house for three days and told unimaginable things including being forced to listen to an "audio prophesy" that began with "thank you for your love offering" and want on to say how Karen would win the case and other bullshit (call a spade a spade). Sometimes I wish we could selectively go back to old testament law and deal with false prophets, but I digress.
After those three days and through some stuff that the world need not know, Josie was able to flee this unsafe home and live in protection for a month until our final hearing. We were delayed again on the 16th as that creepy lady figured out how to manipulate the system once again. Due to our wonderful attorney having the foresight to keep Josie away from the courthouse, she was able to remain in safety until our next hearing date, March 1st.
The Trial
One March 1st, our attorney was asked by the judge to attempt to settle this custody without a hearing. In hindsight, I think he might have known the outcome and was trying to avoid a painful few days on testimony. Karen, ever the one to choose the hard way, was rude to Josie and refused to settle. It was a tough few hours of trying to avoid trial, however due to Karen's hard heart, we were forced to forge ahead with a hearing. We waited and waited and finally our case was called. The judge cleared the courtroom for Josie's testimony. As the plaintiffs, Joy and I were aloud to stay in for all testimony. Again, this is Josie's business and life story so I will simply say that our attorney was fantastic, and Karen and her attorney were the slime balls I expected them to be.
After Josie came all of the other siblings and Joy and I. It was clear to everyone in the courtroom what the truth was. The testimony was so strong and it left little to the imagination just who Karen really was. After all of our witnesses, we were closing in on 6 pm and the judge ordered us to return the following day to finish up the hearing. We were afraid that they might try to force Josie back to Karen's for that night, but I wasn't going to be outsmarted by her again, so we rushed her out of the courtroom and off of the premises.
This would turn out to be one of the most challenging nights of my life. My faith in God was not only wavering, but almost lost all together. I just kept thinking of all the times things hand't gone right in my life and in a cloud of anxiety and lack of sleep, I was questioning if we should ever bring Josie back to the courtroom. "Why run the risk?" is what kept running through my mind. Luckily, I was surrounded by family that were in a better place to hear from God and trust the plan He had laid out. (note: This is why you don't make decisions and live life in isolation. God, through community, helped us make the right decisions.)
Despite my lack of faith in the moment, we pushed through (no sleep that night!) and reconvened court the following morning. Karen had her neighbor, church friend and mechanic there as her witnesses. It would have been comical if I wasn't so overwhelmed by the gravity of the situation. (still my favorite question and answer was "Ma'am, could you tell us the name of your church?" "Flames of Fire" "No further questions your honor") Very little was said, most just a lot of "Josie always looked happy" kind of stuff.
Then Karen took the stand. She commenced to purger herself for two full hours and many horrible things were said about my wife, myself and my kids... It was very difficult to sit through, but God kept His hand on us and helped see us through it.
Well, to make this long tale even longer, the judge retired to his chambers to rule. He said give me 30 minutes, he came back out almost an hour later. Single longest hour of my life... He came back out and said he would now read his verdict and explanation. "I award full custody to Jeffrey and Joy McCarroll..." Many things were said after that, I remember almost none of them as 4 months worth of stress and work just melted out of me. I cried, just a little...
We celebrated! We partied! We showed Karen that she was number one again (sorry, but, well, you know... There is a touch of darkness in my heart).
Fast Forward a few weeks
Things were starting to settle in. We had our girls and we were one big, happy family! Then some bad things happened for me. I was on medication to control my anxiety, depression, and lack of sleep. Better living through pharmaceuticals! But it turned on me quickly. Sever bad nights and an attempt to get off of the meds too quickly resulted in a full blown return of the depression and anxiety. I was in counseling and also with a psychiatrist to find meds that would work better for me. They did not. They doubled my depression and added anger to the mix. Not good news... I found myself considering leaving and going to live in the woods. In my mind, that was the best way to love my family. Without me and my sadness, they could get back to their happy lives and move forward. Again, this is what happens when you try to make decisions in isolation.
God has since used many people to help me get a better perspective and He has pointed out some flaws in me that caused me to head this direction. I am a man who does everything possible to preserve peace, even at the cost of my own sanity! I love it when everyone is peaceful and happy! Unfortunately we don't live in a land of puppy dogs and marshmallows! God has been so good to me in bringing beautiful friends and family that have helped me see how loved I am and how important it is for me to remain here and heal.
I'm now on the right meds, the right people around me, and focusing on spending time with God. I've gotten to see so many beautiful things during this time, Josie and John going to prom, family pictures with my girls and of course, the addition of our beautiful Josie to our family! With each milestone I expected the depression to leave, but God has allowed me to continue to live in that state as He refines me and reminds me that I cannot expect people, things or circumstances to be my joy. That only comes from Him! He has been so kind and gentle with me as I've walked this road. It has been sooo painful and several times I wanted to give up, but as I am now seeing less tunnel and more light, I am so thankful that He allowed me to stay in the crucible of His grace and has worked so much on my heart. The wonderful elders at our church saw fit to give me some time off and as I have been away, God has moved mightily in my life. He reminded me that it is not I that holds others together. It is not people or things that can satisfy me. "He is most glorified when I am most satisfied in Him" has become real to me.
I know this was long and I'll be shocked if anyone actually read this far! It was cathartic for me to face some of these "demons" and attack them instead of being attacked. As Trace Howard said last Sunday, "It's not if trouble will come, it's when". I hope none of you go throughout his kind of pain, but I pray that God does His good work in each of you and refines you just as He has done for me.
Hopeful for some better posts soon as God heals, refines, and reestablishes me in the ways that He knows will maximize my Joy in Him!
Christ is All,
Jeff
While hiking in Buffalo Park (Flagstaff Arizona) today I had some great time with God in His word. I broke man's law and went 200 years off the trail and found a quiet spot with that was shaded (a McCarroll requirement) that had a giant rock with a butt sized opening for me to sit and read. Our church is going through the Psalms right now and I was in Chapter 4. The whole chapter is good, but the piece that jumped out at me was verse 7 - 
This struck me in light of verse 7, I see God only as good as my circumstances. If things are going great, God is loving and gracious and merciful, and when the train jumps the tracks, how quickly all of those thoughts of Him disappear. The truth is, God is all of those things and so much more, even when we are stumbling around in the darkness! For too long I've allowed situations to dictate how I see God and how I spend time with Him. When everything is great, time with Him decreases. When it's dark and scary, I'm begging Him to show mercy.
We must be passionate about our relationship with Him. We must be confident in our relationship with Him. We must pursuit our relationship with Him. How would Joy feel if my love for her was completely dependent on how good or bad things were? How would I feel if Penny or Josie only needed me when things needed fixing? Bad, that's how we would feel. I don't know if God feels bad when we are not pursuing Him, but as a father, I know it would hurt me.
